You know the girl.
Your first real vision of beauty.
The one that all other girls have to measure up to.
Class, we have a new student today.
Her name is Cristabel.
Everyone say hi to Cristabel.
Hi, Cristabel.
The heavens opened.
And that was it.
The moment l first fell in love.
You know the girl.
The one you run to so you can
breathlessly declare your undying love.
But things don't always work out the way you think they will...
...when you're six years old.
She cries at commercials by AT&T.
She sobs at the videos on MTV.
But she says it's got nothing to do with me...
She's just an emotional girl.
She rips off my suits and cuts off the sleeves.
And shaves my head while l'm fast asleep.
Sometimes l feel she's the princess
and l'm just the pea...
And she's just an emotional girl.
Just an emotional...
You want the guitar?
ls...is everything okay...honey?
You just don't get it, do you.
l don't know.
Your songs, which suck, by the way...
Are always about things l did.
They're not about you being in love with me.
They're always about lalalalala Jane shaved my head.
But you did.
And it's fine.
We can laugh about it now, sweetie.
Why do you think l spray painted your car?
And l know this one.
Because you were mad?
l'm leaving....
And l'm taking my drawer.
Fuck this.
For all l've put up with,
l seem to deserve better than this.
Jane...okay, okay, um...
-Listen, listen, listen... -What?
Are you going to keep the actual drawer?
-You're an asshole! -No. Okay, okay, okay.
You can keep it.
l just don't know what to do with the rest of it
Come on.
Okay...Jane, you see?
l came all the way down the stairs.
Stop. Please, please, please stop. Wait.
Let's talk.
This is not talking.
You don't know what it's like to be in love with someone
for years and have absolutely no idea
if they're ever going to love you back.
You're a loser, Nate Cooper.
And that's when it hit me.
Yes, she may have overreacted...
But Jane was right.
No other girl would ever make me happy.
Cristabel Abbott was the one.
But how could l have known the hurdles l would have to overcome.
l have a valentine for you in my backpack.
We just haven't had a chance to give ours out yet.
l knew l had to find her.
And l knew just who to go to.
My best friend from first grade.
Who shared in the glories that were Cristabel
and the art of nose picking.
Arno Blount.
Are you tired of doing hundreds of ab exercises...
and not getting the flat stomach you want?
Well, it's time to stop, America...
Because you've been going the wrong way.
That's right, America.
You've been going the wrong way.
Now there's my Ab Away Pro System.
Designed with reverse ab action.
The fastest, easiest way to have firm, flat abs.
lt's all the same.
My Arno just loves holiday candies.
So we stock them up year round.
They make me feel happy.
Can l get you a Courvasier
or cocoa?
No thank you, Ms. Blount.
l'm fine.
So you got a degree in art history, huh?
Uh...yeah.
That means unemployed, right?
-Pretty much, yeah. -Cool.
Means a lot more time to hang, huh?
-Okay. -So, you want to know
what happened to Cristabel Abbott.
Well, yeah.
Well, l'm curious to know
how everyone's doing after all these years.
Everyone...Right.
Well, my friend, you came to the right place.
Wow, that's Cristabel?
-Yep. -You know,
"cause usually 13's a bad age.
From the first grade on, she just got hotter every year.
That's weird.
Dear lord...Oh God.
-ls that...uh... -June Phigg.
The nottie.
Ooh...nottie?
lt's a very well known law of physics.
The hotness of one girl is directly proportional
to the ugliness of her best friend.
Wow. June Phigg.
lt's sort of sweet they've stayed friends all these years.
Sweet?
She's like some hideous dragon guarding the princess from escape.
What?
ln order to gain access to the hottie
The nottie must be appeased.
You're saying that June is the reason
why Cristabel's still single?
Of course she is!
That, my friend, is the whole purpose of the nottie.
Cristabel Abbott is the hottest woman in Los Angeles.
But no man will ever win her heart
without getting past that monstrosity.
And she will destroy you.
No. No. This is fate.
Fate is the reason she is still single.
Look. l came 3000 miles to get this girl
And it's going to take a lot more than a June Phigg to stop me.
l like your moxie.
Yeah? Good.
You're gonna need to see the file.
Ma!
Bring out the file!
Coming, precious.
She loves it.
The hottie and her every move.
This whole thing is about Cristabel Abbott?
You should see the website.
Now, according to my records
She has a two mile jog every morning past the Santa Monica pier.
She stops at Danny's Beachside Cafe
for a light breakfast of ice buttered mocha and fruit salad.
She'll pass the north end of the pier between 6:15 and 6:18 a.m.
Benches that face the ocean are the best ones to view her from.
"Cause if you face the other way, the sun gets in your eyes
..and you lose the whole thing.
Hey guys.
Here she comes.
Konichiwa. Good morning.
Hi guys.
l love you.
Good morning.
Oh my god, l'm so sorry.
Were you sniffing me?
Sorry.
Hey, aren't you Cristabel Abbott?
-Yeah. -l think we went to school together.
Back in the first grade.
Were you that guy who used to put Vienna sausage in his pants?
No. The guy with processed meats that was Jay Gray.
You're not that kid who used to stick pencils up his nose, are you?
No, that was my friend, Arno.
Nice guy.
lf we went to first grade together, and Arno only had one friend...
You must be Nate Cooper.
l don't want to alarm you...
but there's a really creepy albino guy
standing outside the window.
Oh, that's just my stalker, Randy.
He's completely harmless.
Randall, that better be 40 feet away.
So where were we?
Right. My job.
l work as an event planner for this charity group...
which basically means l get to throw fun parties for a good cause.
Cool.
And...l'm pregnant.
l'm not sure whose it is, unfortunately.
Oh, l'm so sorry.
l'm kidding.
No kids, no boyfriend.
No action of any kind.
Oh, good.
Or not.
So what do you do now?
Or are you still into finger painting and Smurfs.
No, no l um...
l'm a personal trainer.
You're a personal trainer.
Yeah.
Like a gym?
A lot of people mistake personal fitness
for being brought up with roid rage.
But who wants adult acne and a shrunken penis.
Not me.
No, it's a mind, body, spirit sort of lifestyle.
You are what you eat.
And whatnot.
You should check out my gym.
Actually, my roommate and l are going there this afternoon for yoga.
So do you want to come?
Absolutely.
My roommate. lt's June.
From the first grade.
Wow...June...Yeah.
June's into heath.
She's a vegan.
Everything she eats is non-fat.
Oh...how delicious.
l'm so glad we ran into each other, Nate.
Me too.
So the gym is at 6th and Ocean.
Here's my number if you forget the address.
There. Now you can't lose it.
Hey, Cooper.
Hey.
You remember June.
Oh God...
Of course.
Yes. Who could forget the lovely...June?
-Oh, Jeanette. -How are you?
-Good to see you.
-You look beautiful. -Thank you.
Sorry.
Nice.
June and l don't get much action, so we take what we can get.
Grab a spot.
So Nate here has become a personal trainer.
Oh, yeah. But you know what?
Enough about me.
June, what do you do?
June's a handler at the zoo.
That's great.
The only downside is l'm constantly covered in hair.
Not that l don't already have enough to begin with.
June has a lot of problems with hair removal.
l have sensitive skin.
Oh.
l mean, l've tried it all...
Shaving, bumps and ingrown hairs...Nair.
Nasty chemical reaction.
The only thing l can really do is Joleen Cream---bleach.
You know what?
lf you hadn't said anything, l wouldn't have noticed.
Uh, not that l've noticed now.
l'm not focusing on that at all.
lt's natural.
Everybody has it.
Everybody deals with it.
l've got hair.
Okay everyone.
Let's begin with downward facing dog.
-Adamucha Svenasama. -Shit.
All right.
And easing into cat pose.
And arching your back.
And moving into downward facing dog.
Beautiful form, Cristabel.
Oh, that was amazing.
So, Cris, now that l'm back in town
l thought it'd be wonderful if maybe you and l could
go out to dinner...maybe.
Yeah, that'd be fun.
Yeah?
But the timing's terrible.
Nate, it probably won't come as a huge surprise to you...
But June's never had a boyfriend.
-No. -Yeah.
And all through school, l went out with any guy who asked.
l didn't know the meaning of the word "no'.
Sounds like l shouldn't have left town then.
That's why l made a promise to myself.
l'm not going to date anyone again
till June has someone special in her life.
Wow.
That is...admirable.
But that could be a very, very long time.
lt's just...the hard part is going without the sex.
Don't take it personally, Coopie.
You're a great guy.
And if things were different...
Who knows?
l gotta go.
But maybe l'll see you later.
-Yeah. l'll see you...later. -Goodbye.
She's not only smoking hot...
She's also extremely horny.
And for some unknown reason, l think she likes me.
l've got to find a guy for June.
There's somebody out there for her.
There's someone for everyone.
Boys!
Mom. Nate thinks he can fix up the nottie.
She's got fur on her toes.
Mom!
l understand she has a little problem with hair removal.
Has she tried the new lasers?
Worked great on my bikini line.
Grew back in like peach fuzz.
That's true.
But what are you going to do?
Laser her whole body?
l mean, you have any idea
what kind of radiation that would entail?
What if l tell her that she won a makeover?
Send her to a spa, pretty her up.
Somebody'll take her.
Please.
You want to flip this chick
you're gonna have to do a lot more than just mow the lawn.
l got it!
What if l pay somebody to go out with her?
Pause.
Look, you think l haven't been trying?
All right.
This isn't about a single date.
This is about somebody special in her life, okay?
And you ain't got that kind of blood money, my man.
Arno.
The history of mankind is filled with men saying
that something cannot be done.
who are frequently interrupted by someone who is already doing it.
What does that even mean?
l don't know.
l saw it on your wall back there.
That is a beautiful blouse.
Thank you. l don't even know what they're made of,
but they're wonderful.
Thanks. He's sweet.
The reason l asked you to meet me here...
-And like l said... -lt's not a date. l know.
l couldn't even think about selfish desires like that.
l am just too concerned about June.
You've really been thinking about June.
Yeah.
That's so sweet.
And l gotta tell you l am sickened by the fact
that none of these narrow minded assholes
can see how beautiful she is just
"cause they can't get past some infected toenails
and some backne, you know.
l know.
l feel the same way.
And l think l have found the perfect guy for her.
What's his name?
Who?
The guy that's perfect for June.
That guy.
His name is...
Cole Slaw...son.
Cole Slawsen.
A good friend, of a friend.
And that guy's name is Mike.
All real.
So it's the four of us.
Wouldn't you consider that a double date?
Well, we can throw them in the pit together
and hope they come out alive.
Or we could lead them into a friendship that
blossoms into a lifetime of love
lt would be a major step if we could get her laid.
Right.
The whole lifetime of love thing would just be a bonus.
lt's just that...she never has...
And l think a life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.
l couldn't agree with you more.
Yeah, l do. l do.
No. No. Go.
Ewww. Gross.
Other side.
Oh yeah.
Take it.
Okay, listen.
-No. No. -Okay.
What if l were to tell you
that you could still make the $500 bucks
but all you had to do was go out on a few dates with a woman.
Does she have a vagina?
Yeah.
Actually, you're gonna have to let me know if it goes that far?
ls this woman you in a dress?
No. No. This is a real woman.
But l have to be honest.
She's not necessarily pretty.
None of my girlfriends have been pretty.
Good.
This is nice.
l'm gonna have her legs behind her head.
Get her dude.
Oh, these are shoulder blades.
l thought they were wings.
l noticed you from across the bar.
And do you know what the first thing l thought was?
Her daddy must be a baker "cause she's got such a nice set of buns?
Do you really think that all it takes
is a few hair plugs some porcelain veneers
$250 jeans...to impress a girl like Cris?
Or didn't that occur to you
while you were schlepping away your days at the Porsche dealership.
to afford a few more of those personal enhancements
Which, by the way,
will never hide that you haven't been laid by anybody
you haven't had to pay for in over a year.
So why don't you and your starry head full of doll's hair
take a little walk back to the bar, have another shot of Jager
And give my friend some space in case a real man comes by, huh?
Who told you l used to sell Porsches?
What?
What'd l tell you?
Pay our bar tab, bitch.
What did she say?
Oh god, they're here.
Oh my god, they're here.
God, l'm so nervous.
Don't be nervous.
Just do as l said.
Right.
Keep drinking.
Well that...and just be yourself.
-Okay? -Okay.
Steal yourself, Cole Slawsen.
Oh, my name's not Cole Slawsen.
Oh...right.
Like l said,
-as long as she's female. -Okay.
Oh my god, it has whiskers.
And no teeth.
Oh, no.
She has teeth.
They're just not the conventional shade.
lt's fine. lt's fine. 's fine. Come on.
Hello, ladies.
Cole Slawsen, this is Cristabel Abbott.
Hello.
And the lovely June Phigg.
Nice to meet you.
-lt speaks. -She's a woman.
l can't do this My dingus will fall off.
You were rolling down your flesh files.
l want to be released from my contract.
-ls it me? -Sorry.
l'll triple your offer, Cole.
Fine.
We are too excited to do this, girls.
Woo.
Now remember to stay focused, okay?
lf you start to panic, practice your breathing exercises.
And go into your tranquil haven.
l am a mighty warrior, fearless and strong.
l admire your commitment to excellence.
Now, where's that driver guy?
-Captain. -Captain. Okay.
l told him to be here by three.
Ahoy! Sorry l'm late, folks.
Just had to grab my keys from the rental office.
And l'm not feeling too well.
You're going to have to find yourself another skipper.
Out of my way!
-Oh, shucks. -No, no, no.
Breathe. Look at the beauty.
Drink some of this.
Okay.
What we're going to do now is what l like to call winging it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We need you for the date.
Now this is what l'm talking about.
Sun in my face, wind in my hair.
The smell of salt in the air.
lsn't this great?
Magnificent.
Okay...June, how's your toe doing?
lt's a lot better, thanks.
This guy l work with at the zoo.
He works with the gorillas.
He actually mixed up a compound for a silverback who had the same thing.
Okay, anyone want another drink?
Yes, yes.
Absolutely.
Are you okay?
Never better.
Cole has a little bit of a problem with acid reflux.
l also have irritable bowel syndrome.
And involuntary explosive diarrhea, so...
There it goes.
l think l need to be excused.
-You know what? You shouldn't go. -Yeah, l should.
You should probably stay around.
-No, l shouldn't. -There's not even a bathroom close.
No, l can't do this.
Look at her.
No, no, no.
You're not going to go.
You're not going anywhere.
You know what?
Let's play a game.
We're going to play a game.
lt's gonna be fun.
lf the two of you could go anywhere in the world on a date
Where would it be?
Home.
Okay
You know... You know what?
This is a question for me.
Nate. l'll take this one.
lf Nate could go anywhere in the world on a date.
His dream date would be...Venice.
-Venice? -Yeah.
That would be my dream date too.
Really?
Anywhere in particular?
No, nowhere really.
l just heard it was a great place to get lost in.
Well, it's a gorgeous day out and we're on this boat, so...
Let's go get some sun.
Let's do it...Cole Slawsen.
Get our tan up.
Breathe.
l got this.
l'm a mighty warrior.
Fearless and strong.
Come stop me.
Nate, good news.
l just my toenail.
You know, he's just cooling off.
The Coast Guard will pick him up eventually.
This should cheer us up.
Good idea.
More alcohol.
That'll help.
Oh...dropped it.
Completely forgot l had this.
They were giving these out to all the personal trainers in town.
Some sort of a promotion.
What is it?
Gift certificate to a chi-chi Beverly Hills spa.
Ha. Look at that.
lt's for two people.
You know what?
The two of you should really have this.
l mean, l'm never going to use it.
Nate, this is for $2,000 worth of spa treatments.
You don't say.
No, you and Cris should go together.
l don't do well with spa treatments
They tend to backfire.
That Cole was an idiot.
l saw plenty of other guys checking you out.
Stop it, Cris. Come on.
We both know the only male attention l get...
...is when they crawl over me to get to you.
What about that guy who gave you his card at the mall last week?
He was a dermatologist.
Well, he did offer to remove your mole for free.
That's cool
He could have been flirting.
l heard somewhere that 95 percent of the way others see you
is the way you see yourself.
Stop being so self conscious around guys.
What am l supposed to do?
Pretend they're all blind?
l'm just saying you could try to be more alluring and subtle.
Men like a little mystery.
Absolutely we do. Yes.
Unraveling the fairer sex is one of life's greatest riddles.
Oh yeah. l'm the mysterious type all right.
Nothing says subtle like an infected toenail in your Chapstick.
June, don't be so hard on yourself
You know what?
lt's fine.
l know my place in life.
l allow your many suitors to do their...
l'm a nice guy so l'm talking to your ugly friend...
in the hopes that l might get a glimpse
of your perfect breasts routine.
Right, Nate?
She's a little drunk.
You know, June, some people think our bodies are like an Earth suit
A vessel that carries our soul
until you pass on from this planet into the next dimension.
l don't even know what that means.
Yeah, l'm sort of with her on this one.
l'm just trying to help, okay?
Great.
Well...thanks for the help.
l'm such a bad friend.
No, that's ridiculous.
You were just trying to help.
Come on.
You're absolutely wonderful to June.
l'm not.
l'm horrible.
l really made a promise to be there for her.
You've been so sweet and
l'm really becoming attracted to you.
You are?
And poor June's in there crying her eyes out.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't worry about her.
She's not crying.
She's probably passed out by now.
l really like you, Nate.
Yeah?
And you're gonna think l'm crazy, but...
l've thought about you sometimes over the years.
Really?
l even used to look at our old class picture once in a while.
lf someone were standing here telling me that...
l would think they were crazy.
Or a pedophile.
But none of that matters now...
because l can't just abandon June like that.
Look, l have a confession to make.
When you told me you weren't dating
till June had someone in her life...
l did see her as an obstacle.
l lied about the spa promotion.
l paid for it.
To give June a stealth makeover.
That's so sneaky.
l know it's awful.
But now l really do wantto help her.
And l think l can.
But l need your help.
You know what?
l believe you.
Good.
Now stick with me.
l got a plan.
Are you guys sure this won't have any residual effects?
Define residual.
Okay.
What we're going to do here today
is a combination of aversion therapy
and do it yourself hypnosis.
Ma'am? Excuse me.
Hi. Could l um...
Are you insane?
No. Uh...
Okay.
Mmm...isn't it creamy and delicious?
What a delightful reward for your attraction to June.
No, no.
This is the good part.
l don't think l can do this.
No, no, no.
Let's not dwell in the negative, Cole Slawsen.
Your Medieval Times goblet is half full.
Huh?
Okay...get the pendant.
Your eyes are getting very heavy.
No.
l am going to count backwards from ten.
And when l finish you will only remain conscious
to the sound of my mellifluous voice.
Ten, nine, eight, seven six.
Five...
Four, three, two...
One.
You will open your eyes.
And listen very carefully.
When you see this...
what you actually will be seeing is this.
Hi, Space Lady.
Good.
When l count to four
You will wake up refreshed, but you will remember...
nothing of what happened today.
You will, however, remember my instructions
until which time you hear the phrase,
"l love ...
Midget ...mimes?
l love midget mimes.
Good.
One...
Two, three, four.
Oh, resistance is futile.
Wow, you guys look amazing.
June's going back next week to get her mole removed finally.
Well, it looks like Cole and l are going to have to take ...
you two supermodels out to celebrate.
l can't believe l'm doing this.
l haven't had fat or dairy in years.
Whatever you've been doing...
it is working, you saucy minx.
The spa said June's skin needs fat.
Yeah.
They also gave me Rogaine for women
and prescriptions for my skin and my toenail thing.
l'm really sorry if my toenail grossed you out, Cole.
lt was really embarrassing.
how could l ever be grossed out by such a luscious,
pouty lipped inter---gallactic vixen such as yourself?
Thank the gods you were disconnected from the
Borg Collective through the neutralization of
your upper spinal column neurotransceiver.
What?
Cole is a Trekkie.
lsn't that fun?
So that is the highest complement he can pay you.
ln this galaxy or any other.
Let's keep walking.
A little separation is fine.
You know, Cole, the pier is June's favorite spot in L.A.
Yeah, l like to come down here late at night,
when everybody's gone.
That way none of the tourists ask me to take their picture
with them for five dollars.
You are a fiery goddess with a clever tongue...
to match your stunning countenance.
Oh, you've got a little...
l'll get it.
You know what?
Let's leave these two little lovebirds alone, huh.
-l don't think that's the best idea. -No, no, no.
-No, seriously. -They're cute together. Come on.
He's just a little strange.
We all are in some ways, you know.
You've got to be kidding me.
Oh, look, Daddy.
l love midget mimes.
They're called little people, honey.
Oh, l totally forgot to tell you
that Cole had a traumatic experience
with a mime as a child.
Oh, it was awful.
lt was his 5th birthday party and a mime came to perform and
unfortunately he caught the mime
performing personal services for his mother
But, hey, look, this is fun.
This might be good.
l'm not going to stand for this.
Excuse me.
Don't mind him.
He's a sad little man.
l'm Johann.
Sorry there's no antipasto...
This is all l could whip up.
-Nice place. -Thanks, buddy.
lt's cold and a little windy.
Here's to new friends.
Cheers.
Cherrios.
God, this view is incredible.
You can even see the Pier from here.
l like to go down there sometimes.
Hang out with the crowds.
People watch.
lt could get a little lonely when you're single.
So...Johann...are you are you originally from L.A.?
No, l grew up in Europe.
My parents run a little mountaineering
school in the Swiss Alps.
l moved here when l was seventeen for college.
Where did you go to college?
Harvard.
Oh...Right.
Oh, it's really not that impressive.
My parents didn't have to spend all that lvy League money...
for me just to become a dentist.
You're a dentist?
Yeah, l love it.
lt's so fulfilling.
Of course, l did take a few years off for the Marines.
Let me get this straight.
You went to Harvard became a Marine
and now you're a dentist?
Yeah, l also did a little modeling on the side
just so my folks wouldn't have to swing dental school.
l still do it every now and then just for a kick.
Oh my god, l've seen you.
Were you on the cover of July's Men's Abs?
Yeah. l didn't see it.
l was in Central Asia over the summer...
doing Doctors Without Borders.
My group's done some fund raisers with them.
They really do the most amazing work.
lt's the most rewarding thing l've ever done.
Have you ever done any modeling?
You have unbelievable bone structure.
Look at! Oh, look at that.
There's the bread.
lt was hiding from me.
This is so weird.
You and Nate have so much in common.
We do?
How's that?
Well...you're both really into physical fitness.
And Nate, here, is a personal trainer.
A personal trainer?
Like at a gym?
He's more of a lifestyle coach.
Right, Nate?
-Yeah. -Exercise, diet, the whole nine yards.
That's it.
All nine of them.
June, if you don't mind me saying so, you have...
the most intriguing case of fluorosis l've ever seen.
Please excuse my rudeness.
l just always notice teeth.
You never thought about getting them fixed?
Well, l thought about it...
but my insurance doesn't cover any cosmetic stuff, so
l bet you never had a cavity.
That's true.
l never have.
You are so lucky.
Most of my patients would love to trade places with you.
You are so screwed.
l am?
He's just buttering up the freak to get to Cristabel.
This is your competition, my man.
Where the hell did you get that?
Mom saves old issues.
l'll put it back on her bed before she realizes it's gone.
l'm not sure he's after Cristabel.
l actually think he likes June.
Well has he ever technically asked June out on a date?
Well, not really.
Any one on one action whatsoever?
He offered to fix her teeth.
Then he hasn't closed the door to dating Cristabel.
He's just doing a favor for her hideously deformed friend.
You're going through the front door.
He's going through the back door.
He's a back door man! lt's a time honored technique.
No. But what if Cristabel doesn't have a back door?
Or what if it's locked,
and everybody just goes through the front door?
Oh, l'm not interested in you.
l just want to be friends.
Oh, oh, excuse me is that my penis hitting your cervix?
What am l going to do?
Easy. You shadow him.
Shadow him?
Yeah, just make sure they're never alone together
where he can impress her without you being there to deflect it.
What you can't do,
is let him show you up in any way, okay?
lf he ever tries to take off his shirt in front of her...
you got to make sure it only happens over your dead puny body
Shirt stays on. Got it.
And secondly if his shirt ever does come off in front of her,
poke out her eyes.
Eyes poked out.
Thirdly, lie.
Lie?
Oh, come on.
l thought that the most important rule in relationships
was to be honest.
l'm sorry.
Are you a former Marine that graduated from Harvard
and fixes needy children's teeth?
l got two words for you, my man.
Lie.
The perfect people have left the genetically inferior ones to die.
Save yourself, Nate.
No, l'm not letting you go.
Not on my watch.
Stop!
Stop, please.
This is awful.
God, you're telling me?
l'm not even supposed to be in the sun.
l had my skin lasered last week.
Really?
Oh, yeah, l'm nubby.
Johann is making the veneers next week.
l had to shave down her teeth in order to take the impression.
She's going to look like Farrah in '79.
Can you believe how generous that it?
Super generous.
And clearly with no ulterior motive.
The truth is, there is an ulterior motive.
l can show the before and after pictures to new patients.
That's perfect.
Just gives me more motivation to enhance June's natural radiance.
Speaking of natural beauty...
Let's go.
Come, guys
Am l bleeding?
Only on the inside.
Cessna.
That's a beaut.
-Where? -Right up there.
Johann's a pilot.
Of course he is.
Do you fly, Nate?
Yeah. Yeah.
l fly planes.
That's what l do.
You fly?
Yeah.
l mean, to and fro... by and by.
l like to do flips and uh the tubelyoos and whatnot.
You're a stunt pilot?
Yeah...uh...not professionally, no.
l like to take the kids up every once in a while.
-The kids? -Needy children from the ghetto.
Yeah.
Most of the time it's the first time they've ever flown.
Oh, god it's just... to see their faces...
when the G forces hit them.
l just can't describe it, you know.
lt's the most rewarding thing l've ever done.
So let me get this straight.
You're not a professional pilot, yet you risk the lives of children
by doing dangerous stunts in mid air?
Uh...yeah...yeah.
ln my flying dream....
that l have.
Just a little game with the kids.
Didn't l mention it was a dream?
No, you didn't mention that.
Oh, yeah. l could see how you guys all..
No. lt's-it's-it's a great dream that l have
Just me and the kids.
Them riding on my back, my wings out like an angel.
Like a...male heterosexual angel in the wind.
-Are you done? -Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. Okay. Yeah.
Flying dreams.
l for one love flying dreams.
How often do you have these
heterosexual male angel flying dreams, Nate?
Oh, l don't know June, what's normal.
Once or twice a year.
Oh my god, me too.
And then there's always that second
when you first wake up and you actually believe it happened.
Do you guys ever get those?
Every night.
Every night?
l saw on Oprah that flying dreams symbolize fearlessness.
You can accomplish anything.
Makes sense.
You must be extremely advanced
ln the soul level.
Even Oprah only has them once in a while.
l don't know about my soul, but l'm extremely advanced
in the body temperature level.
As the expression goes, l'm sweating like a racehorse.
l believe the expression is:
l have to piss like a racehorse.
There was a scorpion on your back.
There's no scorpions out here.
Or it might have been a tick.
Now he's a mountaineering stunt pilot?
Yeah.
We gotta figure out something you're really good at.
Okay. Figure out what l'm good at.
l don't know.
What am l good at?
You used to be good at climbing the rope in gym class.
Okay.
Good at climbing rope.
But how am l going to work that into the routine?
l don't know.
What did we used to do to impress girls during recess?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
l could dance.
Of course, l'll have to leave out the part that l wet myself.
-That's the best part. -Okay.
What else you got in your arsenal? What about the kazoo?
Remember, we used to rock the kazoo at naptime.
Wait a minute.
l got the perfect thing.
What's the perfect thing?
Hello?
These old coffee houses remind me of the swinging Sixties.
Hey, who wants to hear some Cat Stevens?
Ooh, what a unique piece.
May l?
Uh, yeah.
Took a little damage.
Recently.
l'm sure we can make this old lady sing yet.
Some day...
Some how...
You'll find...
You'll shine like the sun.
Some day...
Some how, you'll find...
You'll find...
What you've been...
Looking for...
Some day. Some...
Times, it's nice to see them...
...fireflies burning the night away.
More. More.
Oh, it works.
lt's loud in here, huh.
Huh?
-lt's loud in here. -Yeah. Yeah.
What's up with all the hats?
Oh, the Rogaine's working.
Yeah, it's just that weird in between stage, so.
Cool.
Plus l'm trying to avoid being attacked by any scorpion ticks.
Heard they were pretty common around these parts.
This song is amazing.
l love this song.
Care to dance?
Ooh. l'm going to sit this out.
But yeah, l'll hold that for you.
Back in the playground days, l used to charm the ladies.
What's...
He stole my mojo.
Ooh, that was hard.
Come on, l did the collar thing.
l was telling her l wanted to dance.
What did l do wrong?
What? We going to let them show us up?
Come on. Don't you like it.
-Oh, yeah. -lt's awesome.
lt's better than what's out there.
l wish there was a prom in the first grade...
... "cause l would have rocked it.
Stop it.
Hey we can tango, too, mama.
Come on.
Don't get dizzy now.
Another round?
Yes. Another round would be great.
Let's do another round.
Another round.
Wow, look at this.
Back in my country, they call this Swissmania.
Ooh, the hands.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
One small scrap of dignity left.
-No. -Okay, that's your cue.
Excuse me.
Step aside.
Excuse me.
l've known a lot of jealous men in my life...
But you take the cake.
Well if Men's Abs in there would just keep his damn clothes on.
He was hot!
Oh, he was hot.
He was sweating like a racehorse.
The man sweats urine.
Look just admit that he's hot.
Johann is hot.
Oh, so you're attracted to Johann now.
ls that it?
No, l'm not.
But you are.
And why wouldn't you be?
He's some kind of a damned pod person.
l don't blame you, okay.
He's perfect.
He's the male version of you.
Oh, so now l'm a pod person.
No.
You're just.
l mean, look at you.
You're out of my league.
You're in Johann's league...
And l can't compete with that.
You didn't have to compete.
l was with you.
l really liked you, Nate.
l thought you were different.
That you actually wanted to help June.
And that you wanted to get to know me.
l did want to help June.
And you know what?
l am out of your league.
You can't sing.
You can't dance.
You're a terrible athlete.
And a really crappy liar.
l took the time to get to know you, Nate.
l really wish you did the same with me.
Cris, Cris.
Hold on.
Look, l made mistakes.
l lied.
l'm not perfect.
But...it's still me.
You know?
Nate Cooper.
l'm sorry, Nate.
lt's over.
Oh, come on.
Here's your car, Loser.
When you just can't hide your abs,
and that's why everyone is looking for
a product that gives them the most effective workout possible.
You see exercise should be safe effective and fun.
And, of course get you results.
Time is one thing we all wish we had more of.
Look at you.
You sad, sad man.
Well, l'm crashing your pity party.
Oh, yeah, it may be too late for me.
But there's still hope for you.
You dick!
l can hear you.
You're a foot away from me.
Look, okay.
There's going to be a whole world of "ow' ...
... waiting for you if you give up now, Nate.
lt's like what a wise old lady once said.
lf you give up on your dream, you die.
Are you quoting me Flashdance?
There's only one person that can help you now.
She'll meet you at Danny's Beachside Cafe
at five o'clock.
Five o'clock.
Hey.
June?
Yeah, that's what they usually call me.
Your teeth.
Oh yeah.
Johann did the veneers yesterday.
What do you think?
Wow. You look so...normal.
Oh, l bet you say that to all the girls.
Oh, my god. l'm sorry.
More evidence of my staggering lack of insight into women.
No apology necessary.
l mean, come on
l think l look a hell of a lot better.
Yeah l'd have to agree.
Wow, you look great.
Thanks.
Oh on my way over here l'm not certain,
but l think l was cat called.
-Really? -Yeah.
l mean, l know that for most women that's a hideous daily occurrence,
but when the guy with the rattail and the mullet did this thing...
where he put his hands like...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah...
l know it.
Okay, well anyway...
l looked all around...
and l realized l was the only woman in sight.
l mean, he was talking to me!
l was so excited, l almost went over and hugged him.
l swear to God.
You didn't, though, did you?
Please.
Even l have my standards.
l don't know, though, he could have been the one.
So many rattails, no little time.
lt's like a shock to the system.
You have a whole new look.
Don't start.
Well, to be quite honest with you, it's not exactly all mine.
l borrowed the top from Cristabel.
l thought there was something about it...
... that made me want to shoot myself.
Poor Nate.
Oh.
What?
Do l have a booger in my nose?
No...just...
l'm happy for you.
l'm happy for me, too.
Good.
l'm glad we agree on something.
Finally.
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Stan.
-Hey, Nate. -Hi, Nate.
Here, l want you to try
-some of mine. -Okay.
Just try it.
ls it better?
"Cause l think l got the better one.
No, l got the better one.
You gave yourself the better one?
- Yeah. - That's so unfair.
l'm the guest.
You didn't know and l'm selfish, so.
That's a good point.
l wouldn't have known.
So, how's Johann?
Good... l don't know.
That was a steady decline.
Well, he hasn't made a move yet, so...
l can't really tell whether he likes me or not.
Anyway, what's to like, right?
What's to like?
Oh, come on, what does that mean?
There's plenty to like.
Such as?
You can really hold your liquor.
Sarcasm will get you everywhere.
Let me ask you a question.
ls this pointless?
Am l ever going to have another chance with Cristabel?
Oh...yeah. Of course you will.
Because um...because l'm...
l'm going to tell her to give you another chance.
Our annual costume party is a week from tonight...
...so you'll both be there.
Well, that's great.
Yeah.
And you're going to be yourself for once.
-What's that supposed to mean? -Please.
Listen, we've built this friendship around trust.
l think we need to keep it there.
-All right. -Okay.
Well, if we're both being so honest...
Yeah.
Why don't you bring your crappy car ...
and that guitar you clearly don't know how to play.
Okay.
As long as you bring that foxy yoga outfit...
with the granny panties l love so much.
Don't make fun
God. l mean, who really wants to go to a party...
... as the girl who's never been kissed anyway.
What? No, that's not true.
l totally planted one on you at the yoga place.
Are you out of your mind?
No, l'm not out of my mind.
That was not a kiss.
That was you falling into me.
That's what l did.
l got the---Okay, fine.
Oh...well...
l'm sorry. l, uh...
l don't know why l did that.
You don't know why you did that.
-No. -Right.
-June. -l think you should just go, Nate.
June, listen, l'm trying to figure---
Get out of here.
Before your girlfriend gets back.
Excuse me.
Traffic's heavy today.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
You better have insurance.
There's my girl.
Come on.
l want to show you off to my friends.
Looking good, buddy.
Looking good.
Yeah, you too.
Oh, by the way, l talked to Cristabel ...
and l smoothed everything over, so she's really excited to see you.
Although l should warn you, she's a little bit, you know.
Oh Coopie...
What can l say?
l've always wanted to be a bride.
Every little girl's dream, right?
Right.
You don't have to say a thing.
June told me what happened.
-She did? -Yep.
You were just being protective of my little Junie.
Yes, right.
l may have misjudged you, Nate Cooper.
Oops.
Don't worry.
lt wasn't a smelly one.
l can tell by the way they sound.
That's good.
Shit!
Sorry.
...listen.
l read somewhere about white wine getting out red wine.
Okay.
l don't know if that---
Oh, god.
lt's not working!
l have to go.
You know, l think Grace Kelly and l need a minute.
-Come on. -Bye.
Oh hey there, little buddy.
Just about to finish these pesto gorgonzola torta rings.
Why don't you have a taste and let me know what you think.
They're wonderful.
Of course.
Absolutely wonderful.
You're wonderful.
Everything you do is wonderful.
l've never seen June happier.
Thanks, pal.
Don't mention it.
lt was a lot of work, but once l put my mind to something...
l always get what l want.
You know what?
Fine.
l'm happy for you guys, okay?
l was wrong.
You and June actually make a great couple.
l know. lsn't she amazing?
Yeah.
Yeah, she really is.
Now that she's got some confidence in herself
there are plenty of guys who'd love to have her.
New teeth, hair
She's almost beautiful now.
Women like June are just so much more...grateful.
Yeah, she worked hard.
And l think tonight, it's finally time for her reward.
You know what l mean?
What's wrong?
Did l use too much basil?
Nate, what are you doing?
Deep breaths.
One one-thousand...
Two one thousand...
All right, everyone.
Party's over.
Out.
One grain of happiness.
One grain of happiness in my entire life.
l understand you're upset.
But Johann happens to be the devil!
Shut up.
The night of date five,
when it's okay for a consenting female adult
to have sex without being considered slutty...
June.
The night l was going t become a non-virgin
-and leave this freak fest behind. -June. June, listen.
Shut up!
l helped you.
l could have shot you down
and Cristabel would never have returned your calls.
He doesn't love you.
He said that you would be grateful.
l am grateful!
You don't get it, do you.
l don't know.
l've never even had a boyfriend.
He doesn't get you.
He doesn't deserve you.
Oh and you think people get what they deserve in life.
You think they get the fairy tale ending.
l don't know.
Maybe, yeah.
You know, if they're not willing to compromise.
lf they're not willing to settle for anything less.
Well, knowing what you are is also knowing what you're not.
l'm not the girl ...
...the guy runs to,
to tell his feelings for, all out of breath.
Why couldn't you be?
Because not everybody gets that out of breath sort of moment.
That's okay.
Most of us are just happy...
... to date a guy who brushes his teeth.
That's the thing about fairy tales, Nate.
They're just not true.
Nate, she "s big girl.
Yeah. l understand that.
lt's sweet how protective you've been...
...but if June wants to be withJohann tonight...
...then that's her decision to make.
Anyway, it's not like she agreed to marry him or anything.
lt's just one night.
Well, somehow l don't take comfort in that knowledge.
Relax, Nate.
You did it.
You found someone for June.
And a deal's a deal.
Now that June gets what she wants...
...we can get what you want.
Oops, l forgot.
l have a confession to make.
l was kind of testing you tonight.
What do you mean?
This tacky dress...
acting drunk and anxious to get married...
and spilling the wine all over my dress.
lt was all an act.
Why?
Well, when you really care about someone...
...you're willing to overlook their flaws.
And l just wanted to make sure that you liked me for me.
Come with me.
l got something to show you.
Here's to finding your perfect match.
Pick one.
You have excellent taste, Mister Cooper.
Thanks.
So why don't you go light some candles.
June has some in the dresser in her room.
So was your father a baker by any chance?
No. Why?
"Cause you've got such great buns.
l want to become a non-virgin.
Don't make any sudden moves.
She's trying to strangle herself with her hood.
l just wanted to give her this.
Thanks....l guess.
-What's wrong? -Nothing.
Listen, l think...
Oh...okay...
Can you please put your robe back on?
Okay.
lt's the first time anyone's asked me to do that.
l'm sure.
l think that l just want to talk.
Okay, sure.
Nate...
...you can turn around now.
Right. Turning around.
lt's just...why me?
What do you mean?
There are a million guys who would kill to be
sitting here with you right now.
Why did you pick me?
l didn't pick you.
-You didn't? -No.
lt was fate. Magic. Serendipity.
Right, and that's what l thought, too, but why did you think so?
Well, you know, after all these years of not seeing each other...
and then how we literally ran into each other at the beach.
Oh, about that.
l tracked you down.
and l found out you were going to be at the beach that day.
And l followed you.
You stalked me.
Stalked is a big word.
Uh, listen...
Ever since the first grade...
l thought you were the girl that l was meant to be with
And now you think you made a mistake?
Let's put it this way.
l think l gave the valentine to the right girl.
Oh my god.
You have to go tell her.
Are you sure?
Nate, l'll be fine.
lt's not like l have trouble getting dates.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Um...okay.
Go.
Okay.
Way to go, June.
June?
l'm so sorry.
Don't say a word.
l came here not to tell you that Johann doesn't deserve you
which you already figured out for yourself.
And not to tell you that l am in love with you.
Which l am.
Desperately.
My entire life,
something has been holding me back from falling in love.
And l thought it was Cristabel.
But l realized that l've just been fumbling my way to you.
My last girlfriend, her name was Jane.
That's one letter off.
l don't even know what that means.
That's dumb.
l'm sorry.
Listen.
l don't deserve you.
Because l didn't take the time to see who you were.
And you have to know that you're the girl.
You're the girl that the guy runs to.
You're the girl.
You're...you're out of breath.